Reflections on the passage of time

In these dog days of 2024

As the year draws to a close, I always find myself in a retrospective mood. This time of year can be bittersweet; on the one hand I welcome the changing of the date and the ceremonial turning of the page, on the other I struggle to process the passage of time. I feel panicked at the thought of minutes, hours, days slipping through my fingers, I mourn the person I was at the start of the year, at the same time as being excited to see who I’ll become in the future. I look at photos of myself from just 5 short years ago and wonder at my smooth skin; worrying at the deepening wrinkle in the middle of my forehead or my ever-expanding crows feet. As someone who feels a constant need to be productive, better, more, I struggle sometimes to see the passage of time as anything other than terrifying. I worry that I spend too much time on my phone, and not enough with my dogs. I feel a deep sadness when I think about my oldest dog Badger, and the huge life changes for which he’s been present. I worry with every passing year that this could be our last together, and then chide myself for not using that concern more productively to spend more time with him in the present. My counsellor would say, this is the reason we practice mindfulness, to be more present in the moment, and I would inwardly chastise myself for spending my precious life minutes on Instagram instead of Headspace. I know rationally it’s okay to just exist, that not every waking moment needs to be efficiently used, counted and calibrated. But at the same time, I struggle to put that rationality into practice.

It’s been a real rollercoaster of a year to be honest. We started off 2024 in a one bed, city centre flat, and will be ending it in a four bed detached home with a garden. We moved house, city, and I moved job, all in the space of about 6 months. The house we’re in now is a real dream come true and I’m so grateful in many ways. It’s just hard to close a chapter of your life, especially one in which you were so happy for so long. But as a wise, old Hobbit once said, “the road goes ever on and on”.